Zucchini Bin Laden: Zucchini Noodles with Pesto (vegan)

I have recently started a cleanse.

Weird, right?

Necessary.

So, I'm off booze and I've switched from coffee to tea.

I suspect my posts won't be nearly as fun for a bit.

For example, this dish is entirely raw and vegan!

Woo-fucking-hoo, right?

Well, don't run screaming just yet. It may be raw and vegan but it is some tasty shit, I kid you not. Not all raw vegan food is crap. Think of berries; berries are delicious.
I guess that doesn’t really count as a dish though, does it?
Fuck.
Well, bad example, but try this shit here and you may grow a new respect for those vegan weirdos.
It is seriously good, and seriously easy to make

Portioning for this recipe is super simple - merely pick one medium zucchini per person (also called 'courgette' by the French, British, and the Douche-ish), one tomato per person, one tablespoon of minced onion per person, and some lemon juice.

You'll also need pesto.

Here's what you'll need to make the closest approximation to pesto I can do without parmagiana reggiano (can you believe vegans don't eat cheese?!?):

2 tablespoons coriander seed

25-30 grams of fresh basil will make enough for four people. I always make at least enough for four people even if I'm only making enough food for one - finding other uses for already prepared pesto is not challenging.

The juice of half a lemon - if you're using organic lemon, you may as well use the zest too - that's where the flavour's at. Don't use the zest if you're using conventionally grown lemons as the zest will be full of chemicals.

2 cloves garlic, minced

1 tbsp raw almonds

2-3 tbsp cold-pressed extra virgin olive oil - this is a good time to break out that nice Tuscan bottle, the one that's certified extra virgin by the Italian government (I personally prefer the peppery Tuscan oil to other Italian oils and to Greek and Spanish oils. There's nothing wrong with these other oils, I just prefer the Tuscan).

Finally, some sea salt and fresh cracked black pepper to finish things off.

To make your pesto you’re going to need a mortar and pestle setup. Don’t think so?
Well, you’re wrong. Store bought pesto is stale and crappy, and machine-made pesto, while much better than the processed garbage, lacks the vivacity of the hand-pounded,  über-fresh, elbow grease product. The friction produced by processors evaporates the oils from your garlic and basil – those oils ARE flavour.

Let’s make it.

You’ll want to grind the coriander in the mortar first as it won’t grind up as well if you add the moist ingredients. After it’s nicely ground, add the rest of the ingredients.
Pound the shit out of ‘em.
You’ll be left with what looks like, well, pesto obviously.

If it seems too pasty just add more oil or lemon juice, or both, according to your preference. If it seems to runny, well, you fucked up, but you’ll get ‘em next time, Slugger.

Now for the noodles.

So what the fuck is going to make those zukes into noodles, eh?
Nothing.

That’s right, nothing.
I know, disappointing, right?

I don’t understand why raw foodists, and many vegetarians for that matter, have this peculiar desire to imitate foods that they refuse to eat. It seems pretty fucking stupid to me, and it merely provides fodder for the meatheads bent on discrediting the validity of their views. Don’t wanna eat meat? Then why the fuck shape and flavour your tofu like fucking chicken nuggets?

I just don't get it.

End rant.

Let’s make some noodles!

Ideally, you’ll use a mandoline to slice your zukes – note the ‘e’ on the end; that’s how you know it’s a kitchen tool and not that goofy little guitar-like thingy. 

What the fuck is a mandoline, you ask?

This is a pretty fancy one - all shiny and junk.

There, that the fuck is what it is. I had one when I was young that was called a Super Slicer. You’ll see them by lots of names in kitschy kitchen stores.

If you have a mandoline, set it to slice between 1-2mm – a good noodle thickness. Do a couple of test slices to gauge the thickness and select it to your preference - keeping them pretty thin. Run your zukes through lengthwise. You’ll be left with lovely strips of uniform thickness. Stack ‘em up and slice ‘em lengthwise, noodle thick – whichever size noodle you prefer; I went with something between fettucine and linguine.

I don’t have a mandoline (I do, however, accept gifts graciously), so I just used my vegetable peeler. I don’t ever peel my vegetables so it’s nice to find a use for my poor, neglected peeler. It’s a whole lot clumsier than a mandoline, but it gets the job done – more slowly, and sloppier, but done. Just run the peeler from end to end, running off nice strips. I find it easier to go less than half way and then flip your squash. There’s also more waste with a peeler than with a mandoline.
I really ought to stop about not having a mandoline and fucking get one.

So you’ve got your strips of zuke. This next step is key. It really is the difference between an average plate of veg, and a pretty decent vegetable dish.
Put the strips in a colander and salt ‘em.
Salt ‘em good.
For two zucchini, I use about 3 teaspoons of salt. Hand toss the strips to make sure they are all salted. Contrary to intuition, this does not lead to a salty dish. Remember, your zukes are in a colander – hopefully over somewhere you don’t mind water leaking out, like a sink or a bowl. The salt is going to draw a lot of the excess water out of the zukes – and there’s a shitload of water in zukes. Most of the salt will drain off with the water.

You’ll need to let the zuke sit for a bit to let the water draw out; I usually leave mine for about 30 minutes.

After they’ve drained, put them in a dry kitchen towel and squeeze out more water.
The amount that drains out is crazy.

Toss them in a bowl and add your pesto. Toss with minced onion and diced tomato and you’re all set.

For an extra fun and tasty addition you can add some raw vegan ‘parm’, i.e. ground almond. Just grind a few almonds in your spice grinder and sprinkle over your noodles.

Eat it.










I have also entered this recipe on another blog I discovered through VegPeople on facebook called House Favourites: Vegan. You can find it here.