Inari for Dummies

So, I've been having a minor facebook disagreement with some douchetards from Earls Restaurant about the quality of the sushi at that establishment. Put quite simply, the sushi there is fucking garbage that I wouldn't feed to my ex-girlfriend's stupid fucking poodle. But, on the plus side, it's ridiculously overpriced: $11 for maki and you have to chew the fuck out of the shitty rice - I actually bounced a roll off the table without it falling apart! I don't claim to have any real sushi skill. My knife skills are mediocre, and I can't roll maki worth a shit. I don't make sushi because I can't, so I eat it at restaurants A LOT. I know shitty sushi, and I'll even eat it when it's 3 bucks a roll, but when I pay for good sushi I don't expect Pender Street takeout quality, I expect good food.

So I can't make sushi - this is established; I can, however, make pretty good shari (sushi rice), and I can stuff it into pre-made tofu pockets. That's right, it's inari, and you can make about 20 of them for the cost of one of those shitty Earls rolls with the bonus that they are actually edible. They're not fancy, they're not difficult.

They're delicious and they're cheap - neither the former nor the latter apply to the Earls product.

So let's do inari already.

First, the rice.

Very fucking simple. Soak and rinse the rice until the water runs clear and then let it soak for at least 30 minutes.

I usually leave mine overnight - not for any reason to which I am privy, just because I once knew a badass sushi chef who did it that way. Good enough reason for me.

To cook it, use equal parts rice to water. Bring it to a boil in an uncovered saucepan then lower the heat to as low as ya got and cook covered for 15 minutes or so. Want to know if it's done for sure? Fucking taste it. Don't listen to those nancies who insist that taking the lid off of cooking rice at any point prior to the set time limit ruins the rice. They are stupid.

Take off the fucking lid.

Taste the fucking rice.

When glutinous Japanese rice is done, it is super sticky with a nice toothiness to it - sort of like el dente pasta, but not really.

Dump that shit outta the pot.

Oh shit, there's some stuck to the pot.

OH NO!

Yup, there's rice stuck to the pot. There will always be rice stuck to the fucking pot.

Quit crying about it and soak your fucking pot.

Note: an alternative to the above method is the purchase of a rice cooker. Every sushi restaurant in the world uses rice cookers. You can too; your rice will still stick to the fucking pot.

There you made the rice.

Oh fuck.

Wait.

No, you didn't. You just cooked it.

The key to sushi rice is, of course, the vinegar - the shari-zu.

There are as many different ways to prepare shari-zu as there are sushi chefs (note: census results pending).

Mine is adapted from Nobu.

You'll need a cup of vinegar. Nobu uses red vinegar, some like white, I use black - all of them are rice vinegars. I like the earthy, grainy flavour of the black vinegar. It is the darkest of the three, which should be obvious if you know your colours.

Anyhow, you'll need a cup of your favourite rice vinegar with about a quarter of it reserved.

Bring the non-reserved portion, 3/4 cup, to a simmer, NOT A BOIL, with a bit more than 2 tablespoons of nice salt (don't use the iodized table salt garbage. Take that shit and throw it in the trash with your pre-ground black pepper), more than a tablespoon of mirin (NO SUBSTITUTIONS), and about 2/3 cup of good sugar (stay away from the plain white refined  garbage), and finally, a nice chunk of kombu - about the size of your thumb.

The best sushi chefs - I'm talking about you, David-san - adjust their shari recipes according to the weather - more sugar in the summer, more salt in the winter, variations with rain and junk.

I don't do that. I'm not that sushi smart. the only variation in my shari is resultant from my unwillingness to measure carefully.

Anyhow, don't let that shit boil.

As soon as the sugar is dissolved, add your seaweed - the kombu - and turn off the heat.

Let that shit cool.

When it's cool, add the remaining vinegar.

Why?

Because I fucking said so.

Well, actually, because Nobu fucking says so:

     "When cool, add the remaining vinegar because heating tends to destroy its bouquet."

So says the master.

Don't know who Nobu is?

Well, you have likely heard of Iron Chef Masaharu Morimoto, no?

Yeah. Morimoto was head chef at Nobu, and got his start in Iron Chef from there.

Nobu is the shit.

Now you've got your rice and your vinegar.

You're in business.

For the record, it's a pretty good idea to make the shari-zu prior to making the rice.

So, your rice is cooked.

Dump it into your hangiri.

"What the fuck is a hangiri?"

It's that big wooden tub you see your favourite sushi chef cutting his rice in. Don't have one?

Yeah, me neither.

I just toss my rice out on a sheet pan. There are, apparently, some real advantages to a hangiri, but I have a small kitchen so I stick to the bare essentials. I do recommend picking up a nice, flat, thin, wooden spatula for cutting the rice. I got mine for under 2 bucks.

For instruction on cutting your rice, I turn to Iron Chef Morimoto:

     "The hot rice is worked with a large wooden spatula. Sushi Vinegar is added to season the rice, poured over the spatula to drizzle gently onto the rice. The rice is not stirred, but is cut sideways and folded over so that the flavoring (sic) is evenly incorporated and the moisture evaporates. You need to keep cutting to break up any lumps of rice. The finished, partly cooled rice begins to separate into individual grains as you keep flipping it over, removing each individual grain off the spatula to avoid their becoming dry. Then the rice is left to set for 5 to 10 minutes before being formed into actual sushi."

There you have it.

Now you're gonna wanna make inari, methinks.

This is the easy part.

Well, really, it's all the easy part. Sushi is, generally speaking, fucking hard to make. Inari is easy as fuck.

The hard part, in a lot of places, is finding the aburaage - the little tofu pockets in which to stuff your shari.

I live in Vancouver, so it's not a challenge. If you live somewhere where you cannot get aburaage, I would suggest following this advice:

fucking move.

Great, you've moved.

Now we can move on.

You've got your little pockets and now you can stuff whatever the fuck you want into them. You can stick your dick in 'em if you want. I don't care, just don't tell me about it - unless it's awesome, then I might want to hear about it.

Whoa.

Way off track.

Anyhow, take your pockets and stuff 'em with your shari. I like to smear wasabi in there first, but you can do whatever you like (v.s.).

Look closely and you can see the wasabi yumminess.

Eat it.

If you come up with any interesting variants I would love to hear about it.

Tell me what's in your pockets!

It looks like a lot, but if you're like me
you'll eat them all in a single sitting.