Gravlax!

What the fuck is gravlax, you ask?
I think the word translates literally, from some Scandinavian language, to something like grave salmon, or zombie salmon - or something. I don't really know.
What I do know is that it is fucking great!
I like it a lot and it's a lot like lox.    
"Lox," "lax," you see the similarity. The similarity is more than orthographic.
Gravlax is salmon with the moisture sucked right out of it with salt.
Yup, that's right, good ol' salted fish. Lox is also salted fish, the primary difference being that lox is cold smoked after it is salted - gravlax is not. Nope, it gets it's peculiar name from it's history of being buried in the dirt to ferment.
We're gonna skip that last step.

This is a dish that would have traditionally been made in the fall, after the salmon run. But, we are no longer restrained by seasonal necessity and can make this shit whenever the fuck we want. That being said, I do prefer to eat seasonally - not because I have to, rather because I find that the food which is in season seems to fit my culinary mood most times (although I do admit to forcing myself to be in seasonal moods on occasion).

What do you need to make it?
You need a slab o' salmon and a bunch of salt is what you need, and various random bits to fuck around with the flavour.
Now, if you don't want to fuck with the flavour of salmon, which is a grand flavour, for sure, then don't fuck with it; take the salting directions and leave out the other business.
I added some other shit:

About 60 grams of fresh dill, roughly chopped
1organic lemon, zest and juice
1 red beetroot, shredded - you can use golden or chioggia beet if you like, but the real point of the beet in this recipe is to add some fun colour to the fish, and the golden would add no real colour, and the colour from chioggia beets doesn't bleed out like it does with the red.

There is one piece of specialty cookware that you'll need for this recipe:

a big fucking brick.

Alternately, a few regular bricks, or some other object(s) equivalent in weight. You'll see why soon enough.

Take your salmon fillet and place it on a sheet pan.
Salt the hell out of that fucker. I mean it.
Cover that thing in salt. Use nice, coarse sea salt too; don't use that iodized shit - unless you want your fish to suck.
Do you want your fish to suck?
I didn't think so.

Pat that salt onto the fish and add your other shit as well, patting it all on to the fish nicely - beets and all.
Yeah, your hands are going to stain from the beets.
So fucking what.
You can wear gloves if you like, but I prefer to wear my beet stains like battle scars. I like to bond with my food. Food isn't something to fear, ya nancies.

Wrap that fish in cling film and get that brick.

You'll want to wrap your brick in something, for hygiene's sake.
Slap that brick on top of your seasoned, wrapped fish. You'll want to ensure that your fish is weighted as evenly as possible, although perfect distribution is not at all necessary. This will serve as our equivalent to burying the fish in the ground, without our having to worry about some other bastard digging it up and eating it.
Toss that shit in the fridge and leave it there for at least a day - best to leave it for 2.

2 days later...

Pull that shit out (that's what she said).
You'll notice that there's significantly more liquid in your sheet pan than when you put your fish in the fridge.
That's good. That means shit worked the way we planned it.
Yippee.

You'll also notice that all of the stuff you patted onto your fish now sort of looks like crap.
Scrape it off.
Wipe it with a kitchen towel if need be - you really don't need any of that shit kickin' around. All the flavour you need from your seasoning has already been taken up by the fish.
No toppings necessary.

Some knife skills are going to come in handy at this point, and, quite importantly, a good sharp knife.
Slice your gravlax just as you would slice lox.
Better yet, slice it just as Morimoto would slice lox. I could offer tips on how to slice lox here, but you're better off downloading some videos of Morimoto working his magic and practising on your own. My knife skills are okay; his are amazing.
Practising your knife skills is really the only way to get better with the blade. Those chefs you see on TV slicing paper thin daikon and perfect sashimi at lightning speeds don't have some magical, innate talent, what they have are shitloads of prep hours under their belts, dozens of scars on their hands, and real restaurant experience.
Practice.

Gravlax looks like lox, it's sliced like lox, and it's every bit as versatile as lox. It works in salads, sandwiches, wraps, on its own - however you please. It matches well with cream cheese, red onion, and caper - which is how I had it last.
Just make sure to slice it thin - it does make a difference.

Fishy dishy yum!

Maple Almond Candy (vegan)

I don't make sweets very often. It's not really my thing.

So when I do, I tend to go for the more simple delights.

A pâtissier I ain’t.

This recipe is the easiest fucking thing in the world.

You will, however, need one specialized piece of equipment, viz. a candy thermometer. Can you make candy without a thermometer?
Maybe, but I wouldn’t bet on it.

Another specialized piece of equipment that would come in handy is a Silpat, or other silicone sheet. Silpats are pretty handy for making sticky business; they are super heat resistant and sticky shit doesn’t stick to ‘em. If you don’t have one, and don’t feel like dishing out the cash, parchment paper is an okay substitute – a Silpat is way better though.

You’re also gonna need some maple syrup; a whole bottle in fact – 500ml. And, you’ll need ½ cup of chopped, toasted almonds. You’ll also need 1/8 teaspoon of baking soda and you’re set.

Yup, that’s it.

Oh, and patience. You have to pay attention to this shit or it can get away from you.

Pour your syrup into a large, heavy-bottomed pot – preferably a tall-sided one. This shit bubbles up something fierce, and you do not want hot syrup going everywhere – that would really suck.

Bring the syrup to a boil on medium high heat and pay attention to that thermometer of yours. Do not stir.

When the thermometer hits 235F carefully remove your bubbling pot of awesome from the heat and let it cool. Do not stir.

When it reaches 175F, after about 10 minutes or so, add the baking soda and stir when it turns to a more buttery looking, light brown stir in your almonds.

You’ll need to move a bit quickly at this point as it really starts to cool quite quickly. Pour the whole mess out onto your Silpat, which you should have secured within the confines of a baking sheet. Spread it out and let it cool. After it’s cool, stick it in the fridge to let it harden. Do not put it in the fridge hot - it fucks up the flavour. It won’t take long to cool in the fridge – maybe 10 minutes.

You can bust it into chunks or slice it uniformly. Hell, you can leave it whole; I don’t give a fuck, it’s your candy.

Eat it.

The one on the left is a result of overstirring,
and not getting the mix out of the pot soon enough.
It was still delicious, but the one above is how it looks
when you get it out of the pot on time.
A much slicker result.

I added cocoa nibs to one half of this batch just to try it out.
'Twas crunchy bitter yumminess.

Zucchini Noodles with Coconut Curry Cashew Cream (vegan)

This will be a pretty short entry as it is merely a variant of the previous post. This is another raw vegan idea I had for the same zucchini noodles I made yesterday.
The zucchini noodle recipe from that post will work just as well here as it did there.

Here's what goes in it:
1 can of coconut milk - I will, as always, recommend organic over conventional.
1 tbsp fresh ground ginger - I keep mine in the freezer so it's easier to grate.
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 cup raw cashews
1/4 cup chopped fresh cilantro
A curious blend of spices

I soaked my cashews in the coconut milk for a bit, but my research tells me this isn't necessary. I don't care, I think it made the sauce smoother - if I'm right, that's good, if not, it seems like a pretty harmless delusion.
Throw all that shit into some sort of blending contraption with some sea salt and fresh cracked black pepper.
I use an immersion blender for this application.

This may be a good time to inform you as to the contents of my curious blend:
(as always, the measurements are approximations and likely inaccurate)
1/4 tsp cayenne
1/4 tsp asafoetida
1/2 tsp mango powder
1 tsp turmeric
1 tsp ground cumin (I cheated on the whole rawness of the recipe here. Toasting cumin makes it so much more awesome than untoasted - it really does)
1 tbsp fresh ground coriander
A pinch each of fresh ground cinnamon, nutmeg, and cloves - don't use pre-ground cinnamon as it tends to overwhelm - fresh merely whelms.

That's pretty much it. Blend that shit and toss your zuke in it - you likely won't need all of it. Don't drown your zuke in the sauce; you want to be able to taste the zuke. I only used about 4 tablespoons or so.
Finish it with the cilantro.

Eat it.

I also added some diced Ataulfo mango.  It's a smaller, yellow, sweeter
mango than the green and red ones most commonly seen in
North American supermarkets.

Zucchini Bin Laden: Zucchini Noodles with Pesto (vegan)

I have recently started a cleanse.

Weird, right?

Necessary.

So, I'm off booze and I've switched from coffee to tea.

I suspect my posts won't be nearly as fun for a bit.

For example, this dish is entirely raw and vegan!

Woo-fucking-hoo, right?

Well, don't run screaming just yet. It may be raw and vegan but it is some tasty shit, I kid you not. Not all raw vegan food is crap. Think of berries; berries are delicious.
I guess that doesn’t really count as a dish though, does it?
Fuck.
Well, bad example, but try this shit here and you may grow a new respect for those vegan weirdos.
It is seriously good, and seriously easy to make

Portioning for this recipe is super simple - merely pick one medium zucchini per person (also called 'courgette' by the French, British, and the Douche-ish), one tomato per person, one tablespoon of minced onion per person, and some lemon juice.

You'll also need pesto.

Here's what you'll need to make the closest approximation to pesto I can do without parmagiana reggiano (can you believe vegans don't eat cheese?!?):

2 tablespoons coriander seed

25-30 grams of fresh basil will make enough for four people. I always make at least enough for four people even if I'm only making enough food for one - finding other uses for already prepared pesto is not challenging.

The juice of half a lemon - if you're using organic lemon, you may as well use the zest too - that's where the flavour's at. Don't use the zest if you're using conventionally grown lemons as the zest will be full of chemicals.

2 cloves garlic, minced

1 tbsp raw almonds

2-3 tbsp cold-pressed extra virgin olive oil - this is a good time to break out that nice Tuscan bottle, the one that's certified extra virgin by the Italian government (I personally prefer the peppery Tuscan oil to other Italian oils and to Greek and Spanish oils. There's nothing wrong with these other oils, I just prefer the Tuscan).

Finally, some sea salt and fresh cracked black pepper to finish things off.

To make your pesto you’re going to need a mortar and pestle setup. Don’t think so?
Well, you’re wrong. Store bought pesto is stale and crappy, and machine-made pesto, while much better than the processed garbage, lacks the vivacity of the hand-pounded,  über-fresh, elbow grease product. The friction produced by processors evaporates the oils from your garlic and basil – those oils ARE flavour.

Let’s make it.

You’ll want to grind the coriander in the mortar first as it won’t grind up as well if you add the moist ingredients. After it’s nicely ground, add the rest of the ingredients.
Pound the shit out of ‘em.
You’ll be left with what looks like, well, pesto obviously.

If it seems too pasty just add more oil or lemon juice, or both, according to your preference. If it seems to runny, well, you fucked up, but you’ll get ‘em next time, Slugger.

Now for the noodles.

So what the fuck is going to make those zukes into noodles, eh?
Nothing.

That’s right, nothing.
I know, disappointing, right?

I don’t understand why raw foodists, and many vegetarians for that matter, have this peculiar desire to imitate foods that they refuse to eat. It seems pretty fucking stupid to me, and it merely provides fodder for the meatheads bent on discrediting the validity of their views. Don’t wanna eat meat? Then why the fuck shape and flavour your tofu like fucking chicken nuggets?

I just don't get it.

End rant.

Let’s make some noodles!

Ideally, you’ll use a mandoline to slice your zukes – note the ‘e’ on the end; that’s how you know it’s a kitchen tool and not that goofy little guitar-like thingy. 

What the fuck is a mandoline, you ask?

This is a pretty fancy one - all shiny and junk.

There, that the fuck is what it is. I had one when I was young that was called a Super Slicer. You’ll see them by lots of names in kitschy kitchen stores.

If you have a mandoline, set it to slice between 1-2mm – a good noodle thickness. Do a couple of test slices to gauge the thickness and select it to your preference - keeping them pretty thin. Run your zukes through lengthwise. You’ll be left with lovely strips of uniform thickness. Stack ‘em up and slice ‘em lengthwise, noodle thick – whichever size noodle you prefer; I went with something between fettucine and linguine.

I don’t have a mandoline (I do, however, accept gifts graciously), so I just used my vegetable peeler. I don’t ever peel my vegetables so it’s nice to find a use for my poor, neglected peeler. It’s a whole lot clumsier than a mandoline, but it gets the job done – more slowly, and sloppier, but done. Just run the peeler from end to end, running off nice strips. I find it easier to go less than half way and then flip your squash. There’s also more waste with a peeler than with a mandoline.
I really ought to stop about not having a mandoline and fucking get one.

So you’ve got your strips of zuke. This next step is key. It really is the difference between an average plate of veg, and a pretty decent vegetable dish.
Put the strips in a colander and salt ‘em.
Salt ‘em good.
For two zucchini, I use about 3 teaspoons of salt. Hand toss the strips to make sure they are all salted. Contrary to intuition, this does not lead to a salty dish. Remember, your zukes are in a colander – hopefully over somewhere you don’t mind water leaking out, like a sink or a bowl. The salt is going to draw a lot of the excess water out of the zukes – and there’s a shitload of water in zukes. Most of the salt will drain off with the water.

You’ll need to let the zuke sit for a bit to let the water draw out; I usually leave mine for about 30 minutes.

After they’ve drained, put them in a dry kitchen towel and squeeze out more water.
The amount that drains out is crazy.

Toss them in a bowl and add your pesto. Toss with minced onion and diced tomato and you’re all set.

For an extra fun and tasty addition you can add some raw vegan ‘parm’, i.e. ground almond. Just grind a few almonds in your spice grinder and sprinkle over your noodles.

Eat it.










I have also entered this recipe on another blog I discovered through VegPeople on facebook called House Favourites: Vegan. You can find it here.

Soup du Jour: Tomato Coriander Ginger

So, the paneer has set in the fridge overnight, and is looking just darling - well, as darling as a moist lump of spiced curd can look, I suppose.

As you can see, I've used the cheap-ass American saffron which looks more like flower petals than stigma or stamen. But, I assure you, it is a pretty damn good substitute for the budget conscious gourmand. Compare $15 for a pinch of the good stuff to $3 for an entire bag of the  American. Unless your palate is pretty highly developed and sensitive, I wouldn't really bother with the fancy crap.

What to do with it now. Well, you can slap off a chunk and chew it, or you can be a little more creative. I find that even with the spices paneer is pretty fucking boring on its own. Who the fuck just sits down and eats cheese anyhow?  (Er, this guy, but that's beside the point)

I'm gonna fry mine up and dump soup on it. And not just any old soup, Vij's tomato, coriander, and ginger soup - or at least my bastardized version of it. I have Vij's Elegant & Inspired Indian Cuisine cookbook amongst my collection, but I do not follow the recipes very well.

I don't follow recipes very well at all - nor do I try. Adhering strictly to written guidelines, particularly in cuisine, destroys the creative process and fucks up the food. Recipes are just ideas.

Anyhow, back to Vij's soup. If you don't know who Vikram Vij is or what Vij's is you should find out. Vij's is generally considered to be the best Indian food outside of India. the restaurant website

There, you found out.

You can buy the cook books here:

Vij's: Elegant and Inspired Indian Cuisine
Vij's at Home: Relax, Honey: The Warmth and Ease of Indian Cooking

Here's my version of their delicious soup:

Heat up a large saucepan and throw in some veg oil - just enough to coat the bottom of the pan. Vij's recipe calls for something like 1/3 of a cup of veg oil, but I use much less - more like 4-5 tablespoons. The next step will seem like it's out of order to those unfamiliar with Indian cooking techniques, but I assure you I'm not bullshitting you.

Add cumin to the oil making sure that the oil is hot. How do you know if  it's hot enough? You'll know by lookin' with experience, but it's easy enough to just throw in a single cumin seed. If it doesn't sizzle, your shit ain't hot enough.

Yup, cumin goes in first. This is a very common Indian technique - it seems fucked up, but it works.

In with the cumin goes your curry leaves. Only put them in at this point if you are working with fresh curry leaves as dried will simply burn and taste bitter as fuck and look like shit (trust me, I learned this lesson). As a side note, if anyone knows where the fuck I can find fresh curry leaves in Vancouver I'll gladly trade a beer for the knowledge (it'll even be a good beer if you actually bring me the leaves).

A note on the use of curry leaves in this soup: Vij alternates curry leaves with coriander dependent upon the season - curry in the winter, coriander in the summer. I like to use both no matter the season. I like the way the flavours work together year 'round.

Ooh, another note: I use "coriander" interchangeably with "cilantro" when referring to the herb and use "coriander seed" when referring to the spice.

"Hey, jerkoff! Back to the cooking already!"

Right, sorry.

Now you're going to want to add your ginger, about two tablespoons should do it, but put in however much you like. You can substitute garlic for the ginger, or use both. It's up to you. I use both in equal quantities.

A good rule of thumb for cooking garlic is actually a rule of nose. When you can smell it, it's done. Overcooked garlic is fucking gross.

If you're using dried curry leaves, put 'em in when you smell the garlicorgingerorboth.

Oh, you'll wanna have a big can of pureed tomatoes on hand. In the summer you can use fresh tomatoes, but as it is pretty much impossible to get good fresh local tomatoes in the winter in Canada, canned is your best bet. Don't shy away from canned tomatoes. A lot of canned fruit and veg are pretty fucking sick, but tomatoes are not at all. They are canned when they are at their ripest - right off the vine - and so are very tasty. The California tomatoes you see in the supermarkets in the winter are grown in warehouses and ripened in trucks. Nothing about that  sentence sounds like it ought to involve food.

You'll also want to have at least 3 cups of veg stock warming on the stove. You can use chicken stock if you like, but please use free range organic - it's nicer for the chickens.

As for veg stock, you can buy it, but that's dumb. It's pretty expensive and you can make it for nothing. I'll post a simple recipe soon. It's easier than shitting your pants.

"Was there a recipe happening around here somewhere?"

Right.

When you smell the smellies add your dry spices - coriander seed, about a tablespoon, cayenne, about a teaspoon - and let 'em cook for a couple of minutes.

I like to grind my own spices mortar and pestle style. I only buy coriander seed whole - the flavour is just better than the pre-ground junk. Grind the coriander seed with the cayenne in the mortar and pestle with a pinch of salt to combine the flavours. If you're looking to grind your own cayenne, it's usually found in the grocery store whole as bird eye peppers. A mortar and pestle setup is pretty cheap and is ultimately invaluable. Electric spice grinders are quick and easy - and necessary for some harder seeds, like fenugreek - but the heat and friction from the fast moving blade vapourizes many of the natural oils in herbs and spices, diminishing the flavour. You'll never have better pesto than one made by hand with a mortar and pestle.

Don't have one? Get this one here: Stone (Granite) Mortar and Pestle, 8 In, 3+ Cup Capacity

"Is this a fucking soapbox lecture or a recipe?"

Sorry.

Stir in the pureed tomatoes and the stock. Vij's recipe calls for 6 cups water or 3 cups stock 3 cups water. I originally made this soup to use as a dip for some prawntons, so I intentionally left out half of the liquid to have a thicker broth.

I can't imagine it any other way. Vij also notes that one may add heavy cream for a richer soup. Personally, I don't much care for cream soups unless they're made with coconut milk. I love that shit.*

Anyhow, you've got your liquid in the pot so you're laughing. Bring it to a boil and then lower it to a simmer and cook for 30 minutes. Finish it with chopped cilantro right before serving.

Now would be a great time to pull that paneer out of the frying pan.

You didn't have your paneer frying?

Well that was fucking stupid.

Fortunately, it's just soup, so it can sit for a while whilst you get your act together.

Fry your paneer at hot medium - that's just above halfway on my stove - until dark brown. Both sides.

Remove it from the pan and cube it. Place it in a fancy bowl, or a fucking paper cup - I don't care.

Take your lovely tomato soup and ladle it over the paneer.

Eat it.

Smile.






* I have since made this recipe with more liquid - one cup stock, one cup coconut milk - and it was lovely.

Easy Cheesy: Cracked Pepper Saffron Paneer

Wanna impress your friends, but don't have a lot of time or talent?

Tired of looking like a hopeless putz.

Sick of jerkoff bloggers giving you a hard time when all you're trying to do is read the fucking blog?

Why not do something about it, eh?

Why not make your own cheese?

Maybe Indian cheese...

Paneer.

Yeah, that'll impress your friends.

"What?" they'll say, "You made your own cheese?!? Holy fuck!"

Making cheese takes time and effort; this is a fact. Well, it's mostly true.

But making paneer is pretty fucking simple.

Paneer, or panir, is an unripened Indian cheese. It has a firm texture and the very cool property of not melting when you fry it.

Pretty rad, right?

It also has the property of having essentially no flavour, which is fine for most of its usual applications. If you've had Indian food you know that flavour needn't be added via cheese.

I, however, see no reason why a boring tradition can't be livened up with a bit of flavour, so I offer up my super simple recipe for Cracked Pepper Saffron Paneer.

Here's what you're gonna need:

1. A litre of milk - use whole fat milk. Low fat milk is stupid and it doesn't fucking work. If you're concerned about your weight, don't eat fucking cheese. If you're going to eat cheese, eat cheese, not dairy-scented water loaf.

2. 62.5ml of lemon or lime juice - yes, that is a bullshit measurement. I don't measure for shit. I'm just guessing that the juice of one lime is about that much, or the juice of half a regular-sized North American lemon.

3. A smidge of salt - about half a teaspoon or so.

4. Saffron. A thing or two about saffron: saffron is the world's most expensive spice, and by a considerable margin. So, feel free to leave it out or to substitute another flavour that you enjoy. The great thing about paneer is that it will soak up whatever flavour you stick in it. That being said, there are some things to consider when selecting and using saffron. Very rarely do I buy the fancy-pants saffron; you know, the kind that looks like red-headed orphan pubes. My local specialty shop carries a variety called American Saffron. Near as I can tell, it is machine-harvested whereas the good stuff is harvested by hand. Oh  yeah, saffron is the stigma of the crocus flower, so you can imagine the difficulty in hand-harvesting. The American stuff isn't as flavourful, but it is super cheap. One can get all the colour and most of the flavour of proper saffron for much less money but one needs to use about 5 times more - the cost is infinitesimally less. However, if you are using the good stuff, try to select only the red-orange strands as the yellow ones tend to be slightly bitter - you will not see any yellow in the best saffron.

5. Fresh-cracked black pepper. Don't use the pre-ground stuff. If you have that shit in your house you should throw it out. It's crap. If you don't have a pepper mill, go buy one - it's worth it.

6. Fresh thyme. A sprig'll do ya. You can pull the leaves off and put 'em right in with everything or you can throw in the whole sprig and take it out at the end. Whichever you prefer. Hell, you can say, "Fuck thyme" for all I care; it's your fucking cheese.

7. Cheesecloth

So here's the technique. Easy as balls:

Put your fatty milk in a fatty pot (heavy-bottomed saucepan) with the salt and spices and bring it gently to a boil. Yes, gently; don't just crank up the stove to High and fuck off on it. You have to keep an eye on it. Boiled-over milk is a huge pain in the ass, and it's amazing how quickly things can go from "a pot of warm milk" to "holy fuck there's milk everywhere!"

So keep an eye on it.

The second that the milk starts to boil, kill the heat and stir in the citrus. You'll notice that the milk curdles pretty much instantly.

Yay! It's working!

Let the whole mess sit for about 15 minutes or so. Then, you'll need some cheese cloth. You'll need at least 3 layers - I use 4. Fashion the cheesecloth over a sieve and put it in a bowl. When the cheese mixture is done sitting there doin' it's thing, dump it into the cheesecloth.

Now grab the whole deal and tie it up into a bag. Tie the bag to a cabinet handle or something and let the cheese hang, over a bowl, for several hours.

When ya figure it's done hanging out, or when your roommate or spouse tells you to take that fucking bag off the cupboard door, untie the satchel but keep the cheese covered. Stick it between a couple of plates or something similar and weight it on the top. Leave it in the fridge for a bunch of hours and it's done.

Woot.

Now I suppose one could just go ahead and eat it as is, but I'm not gonna.

I'm gonna fry mine up nice and golden-like, cut it into little bits and throw it into an Indian tomato soup.

Stay tuned for the soup...